I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
