bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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