We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
