There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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