i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He told me they were just razor bumps!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
