Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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