Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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