Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Drunk is a universal language darling
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