did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
