I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
