I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I have fence marks all over my body
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
