No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
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Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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