Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
