All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
