we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
