On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
