Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
