NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
