You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
