I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
