We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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