Farmville is her only friend.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
