The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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