I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
