Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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