i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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