I just pynch a tree in the face
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
