Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
