I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
