I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
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You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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