There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
