one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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