he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You are the jesus of drinking
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
