Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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