you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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