My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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