mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
