if you like me you must not know who I am
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
