I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I deserve this hangover.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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