I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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