Umm I'm too high to move.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
