I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
