He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
