He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
