I can text with my tongue
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
