I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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