It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
