I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
