Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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