I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
