hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
