Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
