I am midnight drunk by noon
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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