Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
