I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
