I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
