I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
