I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
