I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
