I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
