It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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