Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize