Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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