Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
